Californians Against Telephone Solicitation

 Press Release


Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA: Scientists, using the Mars Pathfinder mission and massive mainframe computers, have extracted a history of life on Mars based on the elements found in a recently examined rock on the planet's surface.

Scientists speculate that life on Mars developed somewhat differently than that on Earth. Because Mars is half the size of Earth, there was only one government on the planet and, hence, no wars. Since there were no wars on the planet, Martian science developed technology quickly. It was early in Martian history that land transport vehicles similar to automobiles appeared. Unfortunately, because the planet was half the size of Earth, the atmosphere was much more fragile; soon pollution became a serious concern.

A company called Martian Communications International (MCI) hired the best scientists on Mars to develop a system that would allow Martians to transport goods through the planet-wide fiber-optic system that MCI had developed for voice and data communications years prior. They were eventually successful in being able to move objects by disassembling their atoms and reassembling them at the other end. They called this process "teleporting." Soon their scientists were not only able to teleport objects, but people as well. The need for Martian automobiles dwindled. Eventually, no land transport vehicles were left on the planet, and all transportation was handled by MCI's giant teleport network.

Some clever marketers figured out that they could teleport their salesmen into Martian homes for the purpose of making sales pitches. Many Martians resented this practice, and began to complain to the Martian government. The Martian marketers, realizing there was a lot of unrest due to their marketing practices, formed the Direct Martian Association (DMA) in order to head off any government intervention in this newfound field.

The DMA told the Martian government that these calls were a "service" or a "courtesy visit." Using clever phrases such as "We don't teleport into homes where we are not wanted" and "self-regulation", the DMA was able to prevent the Martian government from passing any effective legislation. Many martians objected to this practice, but the DMA labeled them as "crackpots" or "privacy nuts." The home life of the average Martian became intolerable, due to the constant interruptions.

Several scientists who had developed this technology met in secret in an attempt to solve this problem. Their eventual plan was to create a virus that would enter MCI's mainframe teleporting computer, detect teleporting salespeople, and send them to the polar ice cap. The virus was finally developed and entered into the main computer that controlled the teleporting system.

The virus was successful, teleporting hundreds of salespeople to the polar ice caps. Unfortunately, like most viruses, it eventually got out of hand and destroyed the entire teleporting system. Martian life had become dependent on teleporting for food and water. With their land transportation system gone, and no means to transport vital supplies, the Martian civilization soon died out, thus leaving the barren red planet that we see today.


Of course this story is obviously not true but we at C.A.T.S. would like to raise an interesting thought. Look in your mailbox today, and you will see more "junk" mail than real mail. With postal rates going up, advances in telecommunication technology allowing telemarketers to dial hundreds of numbers at a time, and the costs of long distance rates going down, there will be a time when you might receive more "junk" calls than real calls. One only has to look at the rapid expansion of the "telemarketing" industry and the handwriting is on the wall. Time to think about taking measures to protect your privacy such as:

  1. NEVER give out your phone number. If they ask for a number, give them the number of a local telemarketer! (You can get this from your local yellow pages).

  2. If a telemarketer calls demand a copy of their "Do not call policy". By law, they must make it "available upon demand" and "without cost to the consumer".

  3. Never just hang up. Take as much of the telemarketer's time as you can. If we all keep telemarketers on for one minute or longer, we can bring the industry to a halt. Hey, they waste our time, why not waste theirs! Think about it. If a telemarketer sells 5% of the people he calls, and each caller keeps him on for 2 minutes, that means to sell 5 of his product he has to spend 200 minutes on the phone. And if 10% of the people demand copies of the marketer's "Do not call policy", you don't have to be a genius in math to see the results.

  4. NEVER...NEVER...never buy from a telemarketer!

If we all take these simple measures, we can all end telemarketing together. Like a disease, we all need to stop this infection that has entered the public switched network. WE CAN DO IT!